Look for the Light
Hello.
How are you?
It’s been a while I know; just been quite busy I guess. I am doing some continued personal development in the form of a diploma in cognitive behaviour therapy.
CBT is an evidence-based therapy that I am integrating into my practice to be able to offer another therapeutic tool to my clients.
What I really want to offer my clients is hope as it seems to be in short supply at the moment.
Clients tell me there is too much negativity and they seem unable to find a light in the darkness.
When we watch the news it seems as though the world is dark and doomed, and it feels like some of us are thinking; “is this it? “
We are worried about global warming, pollution, oh and let’s not forget deadly viruses!
Its big stuff isn’t it?
It doesn’t help when we are anxious about all the other “small” stuff too.
When I was a teenager I was worried about nuclear war. Gorbachev and Reagan were hovering over the red button, and we would hear a 4-minute warning that would signal us to get to a shelter or perish with just about everything else.
As an anxious teen, already deep in all the turmoil of peer pressure, and body image, the decision of which way to run when the siren went off was not helping.
It wasn’t just the impending apocalypse that depressed me, there was an amalgamation of lots of other things that teenagers have always struggled with.
I was once told by someone very wise that research shows that adolescents need as much care and attention as a new-born does, that’s quite a thought isn’t it?
There are many tricky stages of life, but as teenagers we are starting to make decisions often without much experience of life, based on peer pressure, body image and these days, social media.
In my teenage days I can remember watching the news and thinking it was all doom and gloom, but at least we could turn off the telly.
Its hard to put the genie back in the bottle with mobile phones attached to us as though they are our lungs.
And of course, I’m no different, I feel lost without mine.
All those years ago, the superpowers were on the brink of destroying the world, and, well, sadly it’s not so different to now really is it?
There is always doom, disaster and darkness.
But there is always hope, laughter and light.
Recently there has been much talk about the Netflix series Stranger Things. Yes, there is darkness and monsters, and the world seems to be about to end… sounds familiar doesn’t it?
But there is also laughter, loyalty, wonderful friendships, and acceptance. The light in this always dispels the darkness and the joy of the relationships floors the monsters every time.
Maybe this show has a metaphor we could all find helpful, and more to the point, hopeful.
Our early childhood with all its influences and experiences gives us our way of looking at the world. When I think about the young characters in Stranger Things I am full of admiration for their endeavour and resilience in the face of terrifying darkness.
I know its fiction, but there’s truth in it too.
The light is in the friendships. The unlikely alliances and deeply felt loyalty.
I remember a lot of darkness from my adolescence. Recently I have been concentrating hard on remembering the lighter times. It’s there, but it’s been harder to focus on.
That’s interesting isn’t it, do you lean towards the darker memories too?
When we experience trauma, it doesn’t get processed into memories like normal experience. It gets held in our central nervous system and we can be triggered back into the trauma time and again. When supporting clients who have been through complex trauma, we work slowly and build a therapeutic alliance based on trust and compassion.
Even when it seems totally dark, we can often find some light.
As young people, events that wound us can evoke minimising rhetoric from older, self-professed, wiser people. People that have survived the turmoil of hormones, rejection, love, and hate.
I have recently experienced menopause. It reminded me at times of adolescence! The bleak despair for no apparent reason, hair in funny places that sprouted overnight, sweating literal buckets when sitting on the most plasticky of plastic chairs! Lack of sleep at night and a need for sudden fatigue educed naps …. Not acceptable during work!
I sometimes cannot even form a sentence. Does that sound like your teenager?
What has helped me lately?
My wonderful friendships.
We have, together, looked for the light and the laughter.
I support my clients in looking for the choice, I bang on about it in fact! …”where is the choice?”
When we feel without choice, much like a lot of adolescents, we are dysregulated. Teens do not have so much choice do they. They may then decide to go along with stuff because they feel they must, and sadly, the choice they choose can have disastrous consequences.
In Stranger things the young people have rules. One of which is to tell the truth. Sometimes they disagree but they eventually suspend their perspective for the greater good.
Suspending your point of view means that you accept an alternative. You can disagree with me if you like, but I’ll still get to keep my perspective.
Its really that old saying, “let’s agree to differ.”
Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?
Do you want to feel isolated, or do you want to feel connected?
Well, I want to feel both, but I still want to be accepted if I have a different perspective too. And do I want to be part of something that is so rigid I lose my individuality?
Isn’t that a Cult?
Sadly, sometimes we can feel so disenfranchised that the darkness engulfs us and can lead to depression. Or worse; hatred becomes violent and fanatical.
For some of us as we get older we can discuss things that we disagree with, accepting someone else point of view, perhaps learning a new thing, or perhaps, reinforcing the view we originally had.
We don’t always demonstrate this to our young people do we?
We tell them they are wrong when they talk about things because we think we know better, and we forget how dysregulating it feels to have our autonomy shut down. We talk ourselves into thinking we are protecting our teens and we stop listening, disempowering them, and reducing their resilience.
I am far from perfect of course and have cringed at the memories of times I have let my perspective become opinion that I have wanted to shove down someone’s throat believing them to be wrong.
I also remember times, too many times, when it’s been done to me and how I felt.
It’s a tricky time being adolescent, and dangerous. Our teens can act impulsively. But when we empower them with choice and decision making… and when we do not criticize or ridicule them when it goes a bit wrong; they store up resilience.
The young and old in Stranger Things work together to defeat darkness, and for me the beauty in this fiction is the relationships. The demographic is dilute with diversity, but thick with endeavour to unite in accomplishment, achievement, and success.
Don’t focus simply on the monsters, darkness always succumbs to light. Monsters, like shame and guilt are afraid of the light.
Look for the light.
Love from
Anna x
